Brace yourself for this is a thread of a few unpublished posts.
Hi peeps.
Lately I have been thinking a lot (more than usual) about my future and what is going on with my life. The life that circulates around me, of others' and my insecurities.
I regard it everytime, as mysterious, unexpected, inexplicable and puzzling. Well, ikr everyone will think the same because nobody can oversee the future unless, you're born with it (like so many psychic people in the movies and dramas) or maybe you're good in fortune-telling.
My instinct has been telling me that (I refuse to say 'my heart that has been telling me..' because it sounds so cheesy and eerie? I got goosebumps everytime. Duh) I might ended up single all my life because of my paranoid trait. I couldn't blame my genes because it is made up of the best pair and carry the best sets ever except for this one. Hehe. I am happy it has so many protective features and has literally providing me the best defense mechanism of all these 23 years of living. Of course, I won't open up so easy to people around me and I tend to not look people in the eye because I might be staring into your eyes then I will try to look for my reflection in your eyes, other than looking for cataractous lens and nystagmus. Pardon me for being so scientific.
For me, love is objective and scientific. If I can't find the reason why do I need a man in my life, then I would turn off the purpose and focus on my future career. I must have purpose to get married to someone. Obviously, I must be ready to sacrifice and commit to time, person and obligations. And, the readiness to accept someone, to cherish someone and to love someone for who he is. Yeah, I'm not living off someone else's wealth, responsibility and time. If I willingly wanting to spend my time and invest my time on you, then I will. But after a day, I would regret it for spending my precious time on people that will not be so meaningful and helpful in any way in my memory. Then I started to look away and do my things as usual. I won't be the one to simply say hi because that does not matter to me since I don't take that 'Hi' as something which is too personal again? if you Hi me then I will Hi you back. Manners.
I would say I crushed on someone (because technically, we never confessed) when I first started my medical school. I started to develop a strange feeling of wanting to care about someone. I started to feel nervous on the words 'we' and 'us' because it gave me a significant vibe of being responsible to what you say. I have to react accordingly.
When you say 'I think it is the best for us, now', It gave me a great impact that you think clearly about my future and my being, as a person. I feel important with those words. It broke me later when I knew that we both actually likes each other, but we're too afraid about the upcomings and shortcomings that later, I decided to stay away and cried my heart out for 2 years or maybe more than that. The ups and downs while trying to act cool without losing myself, were too suffocating. And, it stopped in the middle because maybe..err I don't have any idea. We're confused, we walked away from each other, even though we coincidently always being paired and grouped into the same events, though we were walking in the same direction, but we chose a different route. It broke me that we were close but far by heart. I looked at him in silence during lectures, I visited him secretly when he was warded, I was worrying about him so much, I got mad easily whenever he got so close with any girls and I had run for 5 kilometers just to calm myself down whenever I feel so angry about myself being so attached to my feelings. It was the action by my subconscious mind and I was disgusted at myself for that residual feelings. I was so focused in distracting myself by involving in so many events and organizing so many successful projects that I shifted my goal to create my own history of achievements, fame and to build a happier myself. But I didn't realize the damage I have done to myself while focusing to distract, until my friends told me that I looked different --- I became short-tempered, I fall sick easily, I got angry at little things especially at guys. Well, that has made me today. That time, I guess we were too young, too dumb to realise ~~~
-- (December 5, 2019, 2340)
Today, I laughed at myself when reminiscing it. Those foolish things I have done and those tears of regret. I felt sorry for myself for all those pains, overthinkings, and I told myself that 'I did well, I passed through this, I managed to get through it', 'Hey, look at myself now, I am all good and I manage my life better now!'
-- (February 17, 2019, 0017)
I think my life is so much better without those kind of attachments. The elders has been pushing me off the cliffs about my private life. Like, come on! I am young and I still need to nourish myself with so many real blockbusters in HDs. Whenever some pakcik makcik bawang asked me "Takde sesiapa lagi ke?" and some other questions related to that, I just said "It will come at the right time". Yes, I believe that. Even I myself, not that right tho. But how can I find perfection that no one else can own? That I myself does not own it. And why do I have to trouble myself to look for it when we're all not perfect. No perfect human being who does not make any mistakes. And there goes the game again. I am going to let this go. Go, I am letting everything to Him because I don't know how and what else to do with myself. Dear God, who holds my future and my heart, please don't let it stir easily. I am no control over future. Please. And there, I cried silently in the middle of the night, out from the loo and on the praying mat. I felt hopeless and was hopeless. I want things to be this way and that way, but I was ignorant enough to realise that I am powerless. I am sorry!
-- (March 4, 2019, 0318)
I came back to realise that I owned the luxuries and glories that I wanted. I have nothing to greed for. I think I am well sufficed and yeah, that makes me happy and content. I have been living well, happily but something inside me is kind of weird (Idk how should I put this into words, it is just weird). I started to think that 'Maybe it is the time to give' and I realized that I started to open my heart and mind for some unexpected events in my life. Maybe it is? Plus, I just had a weird dream. I had a small family...wait what? But that was a wonderful one though, even if it's just a dream. It was only just a dream~~~
-- (May 1, 2019, 1125)
I learned that I have started to let go since long ago. Uhuks. It is just that I get messed up quite easy sometimes and that thoughts lingered for quite sometimes la of course. It feels nice somehow that we got to spend the moreh together after a long tiring weeks of ORL. We being friends and we know each other as time goes by. Maybe things happened before, for us to reconcile and be good to each other? Well, something inside started to spark. Boom! It's a thunderclap. Selamat Hari Raya!
-- (May 22, 2019, 2357)
p/s I just realized that it has been the same name that was written in my little Reverie (my dearest diary - still going strong and stronger, since 2013)
Lately I have been thinking a lot (more than usual) about my future and what is going on with my life. The life that circulates around me, of others' and my insecurities.
I regard it everytime, as mysterious, unexpected, inexplicable and puzzling. Well, ikr everyone will think the same because nobody can oversee the future unless, you're born with it (like so many psychic people in the movies and dramas) or maybe you're good in fortune-telling.
My instinct has been telling me that (I refuse to say 'my heart that has been telling me..' because it sounds so cheesy and eerie? I got goosebumps everytime. Duh) I might ended up single all my life because of my paranoid trait. I couldn't blame my genes because it is made up of the best pair and carry the best sets ever except for this one. Hehe. I am happy it has so many protective features and has literally providing me the best defense mechanism of all these 23 years of living. Of course, I won't open up so easy to people around me and I tend to not look people in the eye because I might be staring into your eyes then I will try to look for my reflection in your eyes, other than looking for cataractous lens and nystagmus. Pardon me for being so scientific.
For me, love is objective and scientific. If I can't find the reason why do I need a man in my life, then I would turn off the purpose and focus on my future career. I must have purpose to get married to someone. Obviously, I must be ready to sacrifice and commit to time, person and obligations. And, the readiness to accept someone, to cherish someone and to love someone for who he is. Yeah, I'm not living off someone else's wealth, responsibility and time. If I willingly wanting to spend my time and invest my time on you, then I will. But after a day, I would regret it for spending my precious time on people that will not be so meaningful and helpful in any way in my memory. Then I started to look away and do my things as usual. I won't be the one to simply say hi because that does not matter to me since I don't take that 'Hi' as something which is too personal again? if you Hi me then I will Hi you back. Manners.
I would say I crushed on someone (because technically, we never confessed) when I first started my medical school. I started to develop a strange feeling of wanting to care about someone. I started to feel nervous on the words 'we' and 'us' because it gave me a significant vibe of being responsible to what you say. I have to react accordingly.
When you say 'I think it is the best for us, now', It gave me a great impact that you think clearly about my future and my being, as a person. I feel important with those words. It broke me later when I knew that we both actually likes each other, but we're too afraid about the upcomings and shortcomings that later, I decided to stay away and cried my heart out for 2 years or maybe more than that. The ups and downs while trying to act cool without losing myself, were too suffocating. And, it stopped in the middle because maybe..err I don't have any idea. We're confused, we walked away from each other, even though we coincidently always being paired and grouped into the same events, though we were walking in the same direction, but we chose a different route. It broke me that we were close but far by heart. I looked at him in silence during lectures, I visited him secretly when he was warded, I was worrying about him so much, I got mad easily whenever he got so close with any girls and I had run for 5 kilometers just to calm myself down whenever I feel so angry about myself being so attached to my feelings. It was the action by my subconscious mind and I was disgusted at myself for that residual feelings. I was so focused in distracting myself by involving in so many events and organizing so many successful projects that I shifted my goal to create my own history of achievements, fame and to build a happier myself. But I didn't realize the damage I have done to myself while focusing to distract, until my friends told me that I looked different --- I became short-tempered, I fall sick easily, I got angry at little things especially at guys. Well, that has made me today. That time, I guess we were too young, too dumb to realise ~~~
-- (December 5, 2019, 2340)
Today, I laughed at myself when reminiscing it. Those foolish things I have done and those tears of regret. I felt sorry for myself for all those pains, overthinkings, and I told myself that 'I did well, I passed through this, I managed to get through it', 'Hey, look at myself now, I am all good and I manage my life better now!'
-- (February 17, 2019, 0017)
I think my life is so much better without those kind of attachments. The elders has been pushing me off the cliffs about my private life. Like, come on! I am young and I still need to nourish myself with so many real blockbusters in HDs. Whenever some pakcik makcik bawang asked me "Takde sesiapa lagi ke?" and some other questions related to that, I just said "It will come at the right time". Yes, I believe that. Even I myself, not that right tho. But how can I find perfection that no one else can own? That I myself does not own it. And why do I have to trouble myself to look for it when we're all not perfect. No perfect human being who does not make any mistakes. And there goes the game again. I am going to let this go. Go, I am letting everything to Him because I don't know how and what else to do with myself. Dear God, who holds my future and my heart, please don't let it stir easily. I am no control over future. Please. And there, I cried silently in the middle of the night, out from the loo and on the praying mat. I felt hopeless and was hopeless. I want things to be this way and that way, but I was ignorant enough to realise that I am powerless. I am sorry!
-- (March 4, 2019, 0318)
I came back to realise that I owned the luxuries and glories that I wanted. I have nothing to greed for. I think I am well sufficed and yeah, that makes me happy and content. I have been living well, happily but something inside me is kind of weird (Idk how should I put this into words, it is just weird). I started to think that 'Maybe it is the time to give' and I realized that I started to open my heart and mind for some unexpected events in my life. Maybe it is? Plus, I just had a weird dream. I had a small family...wait what? But that was a wonderful one though, even if it's just a dream. It was only just a dream~~~
-- (May 1, 2019, 1125)
I learned that I have started to let go since long ago. Uhuks. It is just that I get messed up quite easy sometimes and that thoughts lingered for quite sometimes la of course. It feels nice somehow that we got to spend the moreh together after a long tiring weeks of ORL. We being friends and we know each other as time goes by. Maybe things happened before, for us to reconcile and be good to each other? Well, something inside started to spark. Boom! It's a thunderclap. Selamat Hari Raya!
-- (May 22, 2019, 2357)
p/s I just realized that it has been the same name that was written in my little Reverie (my dearest diary - still going strong and stronger, since 2013)
