new me :)

its really hard actually when you to begin it with something unpredictably. to me its okay la. why do it seems really serious though i feel it okay. for the first time in my life i felt the biggest shame and sorrowful in my life. out of the seventh craze! when it was first announced, i felt nothing. empty that i didn't know what i should think about and feel. i was gladly hugged my new leader and relieved her. she felt sorry for myself that i was supposed to be at her place and i just smile plus saying 'it's okay'. everything seemed dull and very unhappy. all the team members were there showing their super unsatisfied feelings. the great feeling was, i didn't even feel bad and sorrow. i played with my teammates and laughed with them. unfortunately, i couldn't even see the happiness shone throughout their sight. why? okay, i was happy and alhamdulillah. maybe it was the miracle of An-Naba' and Al-Mulk just after performing the Zohor prayer before rehearsing. He was super Almighty :)

was it supposed to be you? and why her? we want you to lead us. please, we begged it for you! even if that so, you are still my kp. that is my promise. you even did more than what she did. you even risked yourself and faced it patiently. you didn't even try to hurt anyone around you but still make people laugh with your teases.we'll be supporting you.  

the sincere saying came into my mind. i kept remembering how people unsatisfied with the decision. and how the team rebelled the results as well as boycotting her. to me, it was unfair for her to receive that. i kept smiling the whole day and laughed as much as i wanted to. then when i climbed up the stairs for tidying, someone asked me, you're not...? she tried to hide the words knowing that it would hurt me bad. i smiled and looked through the assignments for the weekends.

after looking through a paper of pledge, i decided to take the shower. knowing the uncomfortably feelings suddenly surrounded myself, i quickly cleaned myself. the strong temptations of wudhu' refreshing me. finished performing the Asar prayer, i sat on the bed while looking out the window beside me. in all of sudden, tears coming down my face. trying to tell the heart and receptors to stop it. Qila came and stood in front of me.

"are you okay?" i smiled. yes, i am okay.

"liar" i shake my head. very much okay.

"tell me" shake again. nope.

and at that time. i denied everything. soon, i looked down on the floor. i stood and hugged her. at that time, i can't help it anymore. everything was revealed.

why am i being like this? why it has to be me? why am i crying at this moment? why He let me cry? why i have to be like this? and i have told myself that i am okay. nothing to worry. why the tears are so stubborn. my heart, please listen to me! stop it please!

but it kept rolling down. my head was spinning around. Qila was hearing everything that came out from my heart. sorry for letting you felt my burden. very much sorry

i know that you try to kept it away from everyone even yourself too. you denied everything that seemed very much related to yourself. you've kept it yourself to make people happy. i know that just by feeling it. it is very much hurting you though you try to feel good. people don't feel good for you. and we know that you are much sorrowful that your face. you hide it so well. i know the fact that you're very painful right now and much much bad. just let it all out.

yes. i did. even how far i tried to run away but people still can caught me. Syerox, Fiqa Ab and Sheda were there in my dorm. my eyes were all swelling and the eyes of them were catching me. the shame boosted. feeling awkward for letting the tears raining on Qila's shirt. feeling pity for Qila that she had to bend her knees for me. sorry again. okay. pretty much better. i walked to the musolla. people knew i was crying badly and asked for my condition. i can't lie anymore just because my eyes could never hide it for me. 

after the musolla, i called my mama. pretending to hide the broken voice and the awkward feeling. she is a mother. a mum should have judge everything her daughter did from the instincts. their soul is everywhere the daughter was. she asked me first before i could hide the story. again, the rain came without storms and hurricanes. sorry for making you feel bad for me. i was really sorry.

the nights made me fun and easy go-round. Syerox, Adda, Feqs and Nawwar were there with me in the second study room. i wore Mun's hard-framed spectacle. nerdy. i wore the shirt of the same colour as Syerox's. laughing as much as i wanted to. sorry for the study room's users that we drop our laughs and jokes greatly. Adda asked me, you're crying right? shook and nod. stop lying laa.. okay. winking. i told her to stop talking about the past. i hate the cries of myself. 3 cups of Milo ice-cream and a Chocolate Throphy had already finished. they shook their heads while looking at me. hehe. i am okay. pretty much great. again.

here what i have,

By the name of Allah,,the most gracious,the most merciful..
And if all the trees on earth were pens, and the ocean (were ink), and added seven more seas, there would not be finished the words of God written. Indeed Allah is Mighty, Wise. 

(Luqman:27)

-the end-